Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Something “strange” comes over me when I walk into a hospital. It is a deep and profound peace. Yes, I know that seems odd. After years of surgeries, ER visits and ICU stays with our daughter, you would guess a hospital to be the last place I could find any peace. It wasn’t always this way. I used to arrive terrified, overwhelmed and desperately fighting to remain in control of my daughter, her condition, and my emotions. With every setback I would weep at her bedside, shaking an internal fist at God. I would leave the hospital exhausted, shaken and fearful that it might all happen again. And it would.

It’s been a process. It took me a while to recognize it. Maybe it had something to do with watching the movie, “Groundhog Day” where Bill Murray has to relive the same day over and over again. I began to realize that even though we come up against challenges over and over again, I have the choice of how to respond. Instead of anger, I can choose forgiveness. Instead of irritation, I can choose patience. Instead of fear, I can choose to trust.

Before I became a Christian, I didn’t know that I even had those options. I thought I had to be in control, take responsibility, fight with all I had, never give up. God’s Word taught me to rest, trust, and surrender to someone who loved my daughter and had the power to care for her in ways I never could.

So why do I experience the peace of God so profoundly in the hospital? Because it is where I feel the most helpless. I can’t do brain surgery. I can’t read an EEG. I can’t heal the woman moaning in the next room. When I am helpless and weak, God takes over. It’s not up to me, so I can choose to be forgiving, patient and trusting. I can choose peace.

Each Advent, our family prepares for the birth of Christ by re-committing to focus on the purpose and meaning of Christmas, to not let the consumerism and frenzy of the season sweep us up. This year, a major theme was “busyness.” We re-emphasized the importance of slowing down, being present in the moment, taking the time to understand and meet the needs of others. We all talk a good game, but few of us “get it” as well as our 19-year-old, mentally and physically challenged daughter, Mary. She is never “busy.” She is slow and deliberate in all she does. It is so often a source of great frustration for those of us who are always trying to make her hurry – hurry to school, hurry to church, hurry to the doctor… She will not be hurried.

The other night, we hurried to the local drugstore to pick up some items before heading to yet another holiday event. As we were hurrying across the parking lot, Mary, saw a young homeless man holding out a plastic pumpkin asking for donations. She headed over to him.

“No, Mary, please don’t go over there. We are in a hurry!” I said.
Undeterred, she enthusiastically approached the man, extending her hand and said, “Merry Christmas!” and shook his hand.
He replied, “Merry Christmas to you, darling.”
She said, “My name is Mary Tutterow. T-U-T-T-E-R-O-W.” She always spells out her name, especially when I am in a hurry.
“My name is John. J-O-H-N.”
I’m losing it about now. “OK, OK. That’s nice, but we are in a hurry. Come on, Mary.”
As if I didn’t exist, she said, “Give me a hug, John.” With that, he rose to his feet and gave her a big hug. Tears were streaming down his face. “Thank you, Mary Tutterow. Thank you so much.” Turning to me for permission he said, “Please, I want her to have this,” and he handed her his pumpkin.
With great excitement, as if she had been handed the most wonderful present in the world, she rattled the pumpkin and squealed, “OH, for me?”
“Yes, baby, for you.”
“Oh, thank you, John. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Mary.”

Lord, make me more like Mary – that I may slow down enough to see those hurting and lonely around me and take the time to serve them with compassion and love - as You would. AMEN.

Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

Mark 6:31

I have taken a long break from writing. I wish I could say it is because I was getting some much needed rest. Instead, I have been embarrassingly overwhelmed and whining about it to anyone who would listen. While teaching last night on the importance of rest for caregivers (like I had any business teaching on that), I was given a much deeper revelation of just how serious God is about rest.

God, Himself, rested. (Gen. 2:2-4). It’s not just something He thinks we need to do. It is so important in the big scheme of things that even He does it. Think about that.

One of the biggest excuses I have for not resting is that there are so many people who need me and my list is so long that I don’t have time to rest. If I did rest, I’d feel guilty, so I don’t rest. Then something I had totally missed in Mark 6:31 popped out at me last night. WHILE they were knee deep in serving people, Jesus had the disciples walk away. Why?

If I’d have been there I would’ve said, “But wait! All these people still need us. We’re not done. Leaving now would be rude.” If I’d have been there, I would have served until I dropped believing if I did otherwise I would be letting down God and those people. I would have been wrong.

We must obey God’s command to rest. When we do, we realize who is really in control. We will feel the relief of knowing that the health and well being of the people we care for are ultimately in God’s hands.

Lord, please forgive me for self-importance and self-pity. Help me to rest and remember, it’s all about You.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

“This is the way; walk in it.”  

Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)

    Throughout my life, I have been taught that we need to set goals, make a plan to achieve those goals and stick to the plan or we will be drowned in the sea of life.  Experience has proven quite the opposite to be true.  When I make plans and they are wrecked, I spend hours, even days, trying to put the pieces together and fuming over the mess and looking for someone to blame.  I feel humiliated and discouraged that my plans have failed and I often look to heaven and say “Why did you let this happen, Lord?” as if it were His fault.

    The peace comes when we realize Who is ultimately in control and let Him take the reins to gently guide us.  He loves you and the person you are caring far more than anyone else possibly could.  He is good and loving and makes perfect plans, even if we can’t see where He is headed.  For those of us who have a hard time functioning without clear goals, let His will be your goal.  Make plans, but hold them loosely.  Be open to what He is doing and respond in love and trust. 

Father, forgive me for striving to make my plans happen instead of simply responding to You.  I want the ease and peace of letting You guide me and the person I am caring for into what is best for both of us.  Amen.

The Heart of the Caregiver - Part 2: The Caregiver Trap from Mary Tutterow on Vimeo.

 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
       I will fear no evil;
 For You are with me;

Psalm 23:4 

Living in the grip of fear is just as suffocating and perilous as what we fear.  And what we fear may never come to pass.  So how do we cope with fear?  Some say, “Do it afraid,” but I believe that’s a very dangerous philosophy.  Decisions made, words spoken and actions taken in fear can result in making things worse.   

Some embrace fear, believing if they are not worrying or “what if-ing” they are not being a conscientious caregiver.  Others deny fear exists only to have it bubble up as anger or impatience. 

God’s Word tells us to not be afraid more times than He tells us to love, trust or serve!  Fear is a lie from the enemy and we need to learn how to disarm it before it takes hold of our thoughts. 

The first step is to take stock of what you are afraid of.  For caregivers, we are so often afraid of what will happen to the person we care for if we die or what will happen to us if they die.  We are afraid of what other people think.  We are afraid of hard decisions, and the list goes on.   

The next step is to break down why we are afraid.  Imagine the worst possible scenario and really walk through it:  If ________ happens, then __________.  Exposing our worst fears to the light and addressing them in a practical way can bring our hysterical or self-destructive thoughts back to a manageable level of reality. 

Finally, we must hold our fears up against the Truth.  When we listen to and believe God’s promises instead of Satan’s lies we can reach a place of trust and peace.  Our most important breakthrough, our greatest victory, comes when we don’t just trust God to let us avoid what we fear, but that we trust Him even if our worst fears come true. 

“We are people of flesh and blood. That is why Jesus became one of us.”

Hebrews 2:14 (Contemporary English Version)

There’s a lot of talk this time of year about "Baby" Jesus and his lowly birth, but when I took some time to really ponder the birth of Jesus, I discovered that we have a Savior who understands our situation more than I had realized.   

By coming into the world as a fragile, helpless baby, our Lord had to depend on others to meet His needs.  His young and inexperienced parents had to bathe, dress, feed and protect their infant son.    His little unprepared family brought Him into the world all alone - no midwife, no friends and family members standing by.  

Consider this, the king of the universe not only came into the world in humble circumstances, but He came into the world as an outcast, someone rejected before He was even born.  There was no room for them at the inn.  

He was to be Our Savior, yet He knew what it was like to be powerless.  He knew what it was like to have to depend on someone else to meet His needs.  We have a Lord who knows what it is like to be fragile and dependent - to feel alone - to have people not recognize His value and the incredible purpose for which He had been born. 

Prayer:  Thank you, Lord, for taking on flesh.  You know how we feel and how we struggle.  Help me to know and trust you more in the coming year. 

Glory to God in the highest and on earth, peace and goodwill toward men!

“We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”   2 Corinthians 1:8-11 NIV 

My daughter has been in an intensive care unit all week.  We felt we had received the sentence of death, but we are confident this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but God, who raises the dead.  The key word is “confident.”  If we are not 100% confident that God is who He says He is and can do what His Word says He can do, then where is the peace? 

I have spent hours this week pouring over scripture.  Every book, every chapter reveals the truth that ours is an all powerful, loving God who holds ultimate authority over everything and everyone, and desires to bring good from our trials.  As a caregiver, I could drive myself crazy believing that somehow I could or should control this very scary situation. 

The peace comes from confidence that He will deliver us.  The confidence comes from looking back and seeing how He has delivered us time and time again - not always in ways I would have chosen, but certainly delivered us.  We can all have this confidence.  Think back on your life, even the toughest times.  Prayerfully ask Him where He was.  He will show you.  Then remain confident and fully rely on God.

 Is it the face of a woman or flowers and a butterfly?  It's all how you look at it. 

John 9: 1-3

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"  3"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

When confronted with a person with an illness or disability, the gut reaction of many is to internally ask, “What did he do to deserve this?”  I know as a mom of a child with challenges I used to ask myself, “Is this some sort of penance or payback?”  When we feel this way, there are a lot of negative emotions at play and where there are negative emotions, there is bound to be negative behavior, affecting everyone involved.

 What if we could learn to see our situation as Jesus sees it, “This happened that the work of God might be displayed in his life,”?  If we perceived that the illness or disability was an open door for God to reveal Himself, we might start looking for the blessing, for the spiritual growth, for improved relationships, for the joy of love and service.

 We live in a world where illness and disability are perceived as bad, but we serve a God who can make all things work together for good for those who love Him.

Proverbs 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

 We talked about envy in our small group yesterday.  The word “envy” comes from a root that means “to look askance.” Envy is an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and desires it." They also feel that it is not possible (or not easy) for them to have what they want. It’s what happens when we look around and compare our circumstances to others. 

As caregivers, we can envy those who appear to have more freedom or pleasures than we do.  We are envious of others who are popular and embraced by society when those we love are rejected or overlooked.  We envy how simple and easy life seems to be for some.

It may not be possible to never be jealous or envious, but I think we can all agree that it is an uncomfortable, unhealthy and unproductive way to live.  So how to overcome it?  The answer lies in what we focus on.  If we turn to others who have a perspective as limited and darkened as our own to discover our worth, we will never find satisfaction and contentment.  However, if our focus is on Jesus, if He becomes our standard, we can find peace.  He knew suffering and rejection.  He did not own much.  He knew the cost of loving sacrificially, yet He was victorious over life and death.

More instruction for overcoming envy can be found in Phillipians 4.  Rejoice.  Be thankful.  Pray.  Focus on what is good and right.  Let the strength of Christ fill you to do this good work.  Then people will want what you have – abiding peace. 

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Matthew 5:7

 I do what I do for Mary Addison out of love and obedience, but on some level we all believe the hype, “There is a special place in heaven for people like you.”  One day I will get a reward.  However, Jesus tells us that our reward will be mercy.  I don’t really think of myself as someone who needs to be shown mercy.  So this verse really stopped me in my tracks.

To me, mercy has always been compassionate treatment of those in distress.  Mary is the one in distress.  I am the one who is healthy and capable and doing the serving.  So, why do I need mercy?

OK.  I know I am a sinner, but Jesus died on the cross for my sins.  I have salvation.   Again, why do I need mercy?  Because, if I am honest, I can admit that I really am in distress.  I get overwhelmed, feel isolated, lose my temper, want to quit, resent others, have regrets, etc. on a daily basis!  If it were not for the merciful assistance of my loving God, I would have given up a long time ago.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV)

 22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
       for his compassions never fail.

 23 They are new every morning;
       great is your faithfulness.

We love because he first loved us.

1 John 4:19 (NIV) 

I was wearing myself out thinking that I had to do a good job loving and caring for everybody so that God would love me.  I was way off.  It wasn’t until I let God love me first, until I actually experienced the Perfect Love of God, that I was able to do a good job at loving and caring for others.  When we put things in the correct order, it can change everything.

1.      We free others up to do a better job loving us.   In other words, when we need something only God can give, but we have been looking for it from our other relationships, we put impossible pressure on those people.  We expect Perfect Love from imperfect people. 

2.      We can love others as they are, not as we want them to be.  When we have accepted the grace of God - that while we are still sinners, He loves us -  then we can begin to extend that grace to others and love them as they are – imperfect, like us! 

3.      We can love because we are loved – not so that we will be loved.  Our love becomes a free gift, not something with strings attached to it.   We can love people who are hard to love, because we need nothing back from them.  If all we get are harsh words and criticism or even just a blank stare, we can still love them because we get the love and acceptance we need from God.

Then you will know the truth,

and the truth will set you free.

John 8:32 

When my daughter was diagnosed, my heart ripped wide open.  I walked around with an open wound in my chest for many, many months.  I tried to patch it up, but the bandages would fall off and bleeding would start again.  Walking around like that, my open, wounded heart got exposed to a lot of stuff. I contracted a very serious infection.  It made me toxic and contagious.  Quarantine and isolation were inevitable.  I was trapped and hopeless when some shadowy words from Sunday school began taking shape in my head.  “The Truth will set you free.”

I had not realized that what was keeping my heart from healing were thoughts and feelings based on lies that played over and over in my head.  “I have to fix her.  I have to do it alone.  God never gives you more than you can handle, so how come I can’t handle this.  Something is wrong with me.  We have been abandoned.  Our lives are ruined.  The disability has taken over everything.”

Jesus says, “I am the way, the truth and the life.”  (John 4:16) In the Gospels He says nearly 100 times, “I tell you the truth.”  When I began filling my head with God’s truth, instead of the lies of this world, I was healed and set free.  I am not alone.  God can and will do this through me.  We are loved and God has a plan for us.  He is good and He is in control.

Prayer

Lord give me eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart to understand my situation and the person I care for through the light of Your love and truth.  Cleanse my heart and mind from the infection of lies and let me walk this path in joy and peace.

Jeremiah 6:14           
       'Peace, peace,' they say,
       when there is no peace.

We had a discussion about peace in our small group – deep, abiding peace.  There is a Greek word, "anapaussis," that means having abiding peace even while you go about your daily chores.  We all could use some of that.  We made a long list of what we considered to be the enemies of our peace – fear, confusion, disorder, dissatisfaction, pride, greed, our calendars, technology, housework, indecision, etc.  We were surprised to notice that none of us named the person we care for, yet in the day to day we tend to blame our lack of peace on that person and all the demands caring for them puts on us.  How unfair.  Truth is, no one and nothing can steal our peace unless we let them.  Peace is a state of mind.  You can still have a lot to do, yet be at peace about it.  When we get things in order and realize WHOSE we are, use the tools we have been given, and grasp the honor of what we have been called to do, peace can flow like a river.

 Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
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 Isaiah 46:4 (NIV)

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he,

I am he who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you;

I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

I went to visit my most favorite teacher ever – my third grade teacher, Mrs. Hasell. She seemed like she was 103 years old when she taught me, but she really was 103 upon my visit. Her small frail body was all clenched up like a fist in the center of a hospital bed that was set up in her home. I could barely hear her speak let alone discern her words, so her daughter came over to translate for me. “What do you want, Mother? This cabinet? Which shelf? Which piece? This one?” And as she turned from the cabinet, her daughter held a golden butterfly, covered in glitter – the one I had made for my most favorite teacher so many years ago. It is now my most prized possession. It is not for us to decide when someone no longer has value. Each of us is precious (and still useful) to Him.

 “We love because he first loved us.”  1 John 4:19 (NIV)

In our small groups, I meet so many women like me who feel guilty to receive any comfort for themselves. We willingly sacrifice so much for those we love, but when we are worn out, there is comfort available to us as well – in the loving arms of the Lord. Wrap yourself the Psalms today or spend some time alone in prayer with your Father. Be refreshed and filled so that you “can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

We participated in a family hike at church camp this summer. My husband and I helped Mary Addison along the trails and up steep inclines. Soon, the rest of the families were so far ahead, they were out of sight. We kept telling Mary to turn back. No. She wanted to make it to the top. The kids who had raced to the top were now on their way back down – then something wonderful happened. A little group began to gather to help and encourage Mary. As this little band of encouragers grew, we began to sing and our pace quickened. Our group collected more and more of the straggling parents who had just started back down. In the final steep stretch everyone was yelling, “Come on, Mary, you can do it!” and when we reached the top a cheer exploded from the crowd. A grand, emotional celebration with hugs and back slaps all around. We all bonded in love and joy and victory – all because Mary wasn’t afraid of being slowest and last. His power IS made perfect in our weakness.

People often ask me, when they see our lifestyle, “How have you survived?” I answer, “I didn’t.” The truth is things will never be the same again – and that is the miracle. The old me, the old us, the way things were have passed away so that something, someone new and full of what is real and true and good and eternal could emerge. I will be forever grateful.